I'm hooked on a feeling, I'm high on believing

I posted a quote from Fee and Stuart a bit ago, but didn't prattle on about it (which I know sent many of you into spasms)

Have addicted to an emotion? Because sometimes I do. Sometimes I am slave to my emotions and how they run rampant in my head. I confuse these irrational and often inappropriate emotions for the way that it really is, and I not only don't reign in these emotions, I stoke them. I stoke them with sad songs, with ruminations on conversations long (sometimes years) over with. I curl up around pain. anger, depression and hold on for dear life because there is a certain orgasmic thrill out of being so damn down.
Don't get me wrong, there are many times that I feel grief, despair, sadness etc that are real. But it's like I magnify them sometimes. Maybe when I find myself thinking about JCWC that's not a good time to listen to Damien Rice. Maybe when I find myself missing DLC I shouldn't listen to that Green Day song that carries her memory in it's chorus. There are definitely things I do to exacerbate whatever emotion I'm having at the moment. Another example, when I'm angry, maybe that's not the best time to listen to Prodigy or Nine Inch Nails.
It all seems so clear in the rational light of day.
But in the moment, I'm hooked on the feeling. Those feelings that get my creative juices flowing, that cause me to write these ridiculously despondent things that cause several of you to come running and love on me. It's as if I don't trust you'll love on me if I'm just ok.
There's just something so seductive about crisis mode.

I was sitting in church today during worship, and I was thinking about all this while trying to worship...but I wasn't feeling it. Then I started down that rabbit hole of what that even meant, and what on earth that had to do with praising a God that is an amazing and mighty God whether I think so or not.
I think about those times when I feel God near me, so near that I could reach out and actually touch him. The hidden thought behind that seems to be so often, that when I don't feel God near me, that must mean he's not near to me. Those time I feel God near it's easier to be obedient to him, it's easier for me to not trip up, for me to avoid temptation, to not sin so blatantly. Why? Is it because I feel like he's watching me so I better shape up? As if shaping up ever had anything to do with God lavishing grace on any of us.

What does any of this mean? That I should stop feeling things, probably not. That I should ignore the feelings I have and think they are all a bundle of lies and manipulations, unlikely.
Maybe it means something different for us all, but I think for me it means starting to consciously pay attention to the fuel I throw on my emotional fire, because honestly it's just exhausting sometimes.