My first post here!

I wanted to start off by saying Hello! It's my first post since Jake asked me to join the ranks of the great authors already on here. I'd also like to say sorry because compared to the previous post (Pull up a chair) this is going to suck. I find it hard to follow a post that shattered mirages in my life and exposed some pretty raw and true feelings in my life, but I figured, something has to follow so it might as well be me. :)

This past weekend in my little town of less than 10,000 people we had two suicides happen. Suicides are not that uncommon around here but when both kids were in high school it really rattles the community. The two situations were not related in any way that we can tell, but it's still disturbing. M the first to be found on Friday was a troubled kid that was picked on relentlessly in high school. My heart went out to him because I knew these kids in high school. I used to really think I was that kid but the more I look back the more I realize I wasn't that kid. What I did happen to notice is that these are the kids that I smiled at, that I talked to in class, that I ate lunch with from time to time, the kids I befriended. This might be part of my social disorder from high school, always on the defense and why I was never really accepted by any one group and became a wall flower.

I look back to high school and remember what it was like. It was stressful and filled with anxiety. I remember adults telling me to live it up that it would be the best years of my life. I remember going home and thinking, really? This is it? If this is the best it's going to be, then why on earth do I want to go on? To me I figured out I had to struggle through it to get to the rest of my life where high school would never again have any meaning to me other than a stepping stone I had to go through in order to move on. What would it have done to me to hear that from an adult? To hear that what you're going through is very real, but you just have to get through it, you have to push through it and come out on the other side motivated to do something with your life. To tell me that these people that make your life hell every day will never be around you again and that they can't tell you who you are or who you'll be.

I realize now that the people that told me that those were the best days of your life topped out in high school and are now miserable in life because there are no longer cliques, no longer are you judged on how you look or who you were last seen talking to, that life can be a bitch no matter who you are and that your responsibilities are just as important as the person you hated in high school. But those kids that were made to be miserable in high school are now happy, living lives they've always dreamed of and are very successful people.

Most kids though don't believe you. How can you believe the adult who's not going through what you're going through? How do you get through to a kid to let them know that it's just 4 short years to get through in order to move on and get on with your life. That the world is not high school (although sometimes it feels like it lol) How can you reach a kid who's been beaten and battered emotionally to see the light of the future?

In having this discussion with my father he made a couple of statements that opened up a dialouge between us that was rather shocking to him. He said he was glad he had kids that felt like they could open up to him and mom and bring us up in the church was the best decision they could have made. I nearly fainted, but it came out as laughter. I hate to laugh at my father, but I clearly corrected him. I told him that I didn't come to him or mom with the serious stuff, I went to them with the trivial stuff I knew I could handle, but it made them feel better to hear what was going on at school. What I didn't tell them was the heart break and anguish I was going through every day, how I thought of suicide nearly every day. Most kids are not comfortable talking to adults about these things because they'll get the same advice "oh it's not that bad, just suck it up and do what you have to do" type of talks.

I was fortunate enough to have a group of older friends that helped me get through this. Partially because they saw it as 4 short years and listened and helped me, and partially because my friend's lives were even crazier and helped me realize how good I had it. lol.

My father's remarks about church had me floored as well. He's under the impression that kids at church are helpful and are all there to learn more about God. I'm not sure that happens because for me church was worse than school. The kids were all forced to be there and the cliques were even stronger. Given the choice between the two I would have rather been in school. My father was a bit shocked by this. They did what they could, but it's rare that parents can offer the kind of comfort these kids need.

So the question remains, how do you get through to them? What age is it appropriate and who is appropriate to talk to these kids and let them know they aren't alone, that they aren't the only ones that have been through this and that life on the outside is great? I'm not saying church isn't the answer, but for some it's not a possibility, it's worse there. So what is it that sinks into teenagers? How can we stop these senseless acts? The other teenager that was found left a note about being dumped by her boyfriend and not wanting to live without him.

It just seems so sensless and I'm interested in what people think can be done? Should we all just stand by as a community and watch it happen and throw our hands up in frustration? People are pretty oblivious as to who their kids really are when they aren't around, so how can we expect them to realize their kid is a bully? How can we expect them to help when the kids won't listen anyway? Were you one of these kids? What more could have been done to ease the trouble you went through?