torment.....

I haven't been writing - or reading blogs lately. I have been consumed in my own little world of the craziness that is being a mother of two teenage boys, and letting it consume me.

That, and starting a new job that I am not thrilled with... 

It's not that I don't have anything to write about - I just don't know how to get the billion and five thoughts that are flying through my head out onto the screen so it would be comprehendible to anyone else.

For 17 years of his life, my eldest has been adamant  about not partaking in the partying that your carbon-copy teenager usually partakes in while in High School. It was to the point of excess - where he would stop talking to people when he found out they did it ..   even once. We talked about it to him while being supportive, telling him that it was just kind of the way things were, and the extreme measures he was taking might not be a good idea. We talked about ways he could still go places, and not look "lame" while not drinking or using.

Then came the cell phone on his birthday. The excessive deceptiveness started. Then came the "sleepover" that was not quite what it seemed. Then came the party at a friends house that was lied about.

Long story short, holding his ground became a lot harder..  and in 4 months, he became a very manipulative, deceitful person who lied to us even more than "normal".

I get the fact that my kids are not perfect. I know they will screw up and make mistakes. The problem I have, is when they do not own up to them. If you screw up, own it. don't lie to me, or make excuses or belittle it. "Yeah, mom - I fucked up." How hard is that?

He spent about $300 in 2 1/2 weeks on alcohol on lord only knows what else. I know he was getting high, though I don't know if he paid for anything.

Okay - so blah blah blah - he's pretty muc. h been grounded since August. His things getting back to him bit by bit.  This past weekend, we "ungrounded" him - allowing him to go places and have people over. He's a senior this year. I don't WANT him to spend it in the house with us... but if he screws up again, I will have no qualms about putting the grounding in action again, either.

In the middle of all the grounding drama, We've been talking about college - and we made our first college visit down to OU in the beginning of the month. He has wanted to go to OU for years - and being down there locked it in for him, I think. He applied to BG as well, although he really doesn't want to go there.

He has three more schools to apply to. (one of which includes OU) He is working on his application essay, which is hard for him. His grades are not the best, so he feels that his essay HAS to be his selling point.  He is looking at Northwestern university in Chicago, and Cleveland State.

He wants a degree in music. Composition to be more specific - and there are a LOT of schools that offer a BA with an emphasis in music - not a Bachelor of Music. He is only looking at the schools that offer composition and the specialized degree - which is good. He knows what he wants. but now it is really hitting him that I haven't spent the past 6 years talking to him about his grades just to hear myself bitch about something. Many of these schools will only look at students with a 3.0 GPA. , much less offer grants and scholarships. His GPA falls RIGHT below that.

I don't know how he will pay for school. Lord knows we can't pay for it. Had WE gone to school, maybe we wouldn't be working these jobs we are at now, and could help him out.

I can't pay for school. I can't get him a car. I can't pay for his insurance. I can't pay for his trip to CA in the summer that he wants to take. Do you think he's working? No. He's put in about 4 applications since he quit his job, but that's it. Ever since we told him he was responsible for getting to and from work from now on, he wants a job within 3-4 blocks from where we live. We live in Defiance for fuck's sake!!! Where in the shit does he think he is going to work??

I am so afraid for him. He wants what he wants when he wants it. Has no ambition to work for what he wants,  get's distracted easily, and wants people to like him so much that he will throw away what he believes in so he fits in better.

We ungrounded him because we were not giving him the chance to show us he can do it, OR the chance to screw up. Ungrounding him gives him the chance to prove to us he can do this.

I'm just afraid of what he is going to show us. I love that goddamned kid so much, and he just doesn't get it. He doesn't  get that he has to work for what he wants, and that although to him it seems like everything get's handed to you, (or his friends with cars and phones and whatnot) it doesn't work that way.

*tearing up again.....*

Yeah - and my youngest one want to grow up, graduate high school, and be in the front line of our military, and kill people for our country.

Awesome.

And now that I finally got a job, I just don't like it much. I like most of the people I work with. (I only work with 4 other people) but the training sucks, (you pretty much train yourself) and because we are staffed the way we are, there is a lot of pressure to learn everything right away. In banking, there is a LOT of things to learn.

And I'm really not a sales person. I ask, if a customer says no, I don't push. It pisses me off to no end when people try to talk me into something when I've given an answer, so I can't bring myself to do it to other people. ...   and because I have the lowest number of accounts at my job - even though I'm new-ish,  it makes me look bad.

 

eh. that's all for now.

Thanks for reading............